LeBron James doesn’t cut his own steak.
But does anything that a man does who had a life-sized statue built of himself for his own house really surprise you? And while having your steak cut up for you — like a six-year old who can’t be trusted with a knife — is an embarrassing detail, LeBron’s filthy rich and filthy rich people have all sorts of eccentricities. Getting your own steak cut up for you probably doesn’t even register in the top million most crazy thing that hundred millionaires do.
It’s what being filthy rich is all about, the fabric of American capitalism.
If filthy rich people do everything for themselves then lots of us don’t have jobs.
Nope, filthy rich people get people like you and me to do all sorts of things for them that they could do themselves if they were willing to spend the time.
Which got me wondering, if I was rich, what mundane tasks would I have people do for me?
Here’s my top ten:
1. Make telephone calls to either AT&T or Comcast when billing errors occur.
Over Christmas my parents got new cell phones. And my dad got the first cell phone of his life. As part of this tremendous accomplishment, both of them were added to my cell phone bill as part of the family plan.
My mom told me this should add $20 to my monthly bill.
Instead the first month it added $150.
But here’s the deal, have you ever been on the phone with your cable or cell phone provider trying to rectify an error?
It’s as if we suddenly gave the Taliban control of our cable and cell phone companies.
It takes 45 minutes to actually get a live person on the phone line and then it’s like a CIA interrogation if the CIA interrogator was both a. an idiot and b. incapable of speaking English.
The last time I tried to change my plan I had to answer like three security code questions, none of which I knew the answer to.
Who was my favorite teacher in elementary school? I don’t even know anymore. I might have known when I was 22 and I set up the damn security codes, but I’m 31 now. I can’t even tell you what color shirt I’m wearing today without looking down.
What’s my favorite movie?
Back in 2006?
God, I have no idea.
Titanic — don’t judge.
Sometimes I get off the phone with these companies and my bill actually increases the next time.
So I won’t call.
It’s just cheaper to be extorted. Which is probably what the Afghanis say about the Taliban.
2. Respond to my emails.
There was a time when I was really good at responding to emails.
Like ten seconds after you sent me an email I would respond to it. People would actually remark on how quickly I responded.
I was the Rainman of email responses, a savant.
Sadly, those days have passed.
My emails pile up to the point where I occasionally wake up in bed at night and feel bad because I haven’t responded to someone.
I still read them all — generally on my iPhone — but I’m awful at responding. I blame the fact that there are too many ways to get in touch with everyone now. Texts, email, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram — I have 500 unread Facebook messages I just won’t even start on them.
So I need an email responder. Or a social media ninja.
3. Put in and remove car seats
I know waterboarding terrorists is now illegal, but I would rather be waterboarded than have to take in and remove car seats all day long.
That’s what we should do to presumed terrorists. Just make them put it and remove car seats all day until they break.
Especially if they had women standing over their shoulder saying, “No, you’ve got find the latch underneath the seat. Nope, that’s not secure enough.”
I’m picturing a terrorist flipping out:
“Hamid, I’m trying to find the clip! It’s not there! Argghh! Okay, okay, we were going to put anthrax in the New York City water system. Call this guy, he lives above the sewer. Just please let me stop this.”
4. Book airfares for me that cost less than $500.
You can’t go anywhere for less than $500 anymore.
Not unless you’re willing to book flights like two years in advance.
How did this happen?
Back in college I used to fly roundtrip for $90 between Dallas and Atlanta.
Try to find an affordable airfare now.
The airlines blame the rising cost of fuel, but I don’t buy that. Unless fuel is being made of diamonds now.
And I always feel like the time I’m spending trying to look for an affordable airfare actually ends up costing me more than just booking the most convenient flight.
(Plus, don’t even get me started on how hard it is to get a decent boarding pass on Southwest.)
5. Kill my Linked In membership.
Seriously, how the hell did this company happen? That I’m drowning in Linked In emails all the time and I don’t even understand what the purpose of the site is.
This is the first multi-billion dollar Internet company that actually has no value. Which is really saying something.
It makes Pets.com look like the most brilliant invention since the wheel.
Has anyone actually used Linked In in a beneficial manner?
I’m not hard to find, no one out there is thinking, this Tony guy is such a recluse, I can never find him anywhere. How do you get in touch with him? I have a web site, there’s Twitter, and Facebook, and email and God knows what else.
My point is, no one is that hard to find anymore.
And if they are hard to find, does the fact that you know their butler make them more interested in talking to you?
I just find the entire concept of this business perplexing.
I need help with my taxes.
“Oh, I’m going to trust Ron John, one of his 4 billion contacts is my weedeater. If there’s one guy I trust to be friends with only good accountants it’s my weedeater. (Who he probably doesn’t even know.) Sure, I’ll let him do my taxes.”
The last five times I’ve been on Linked In I’ve tried to figure out how to leave, and I can’t.
Linked In is like the Internet mafia, once you’re in, you’re in for life.